


Graham Eats Lunch

by VaultOfMelkurMistress



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Comedy, Food Porn, He only has eyes for his lunch, Master self love, Sandwiches, Snacks & Snack Food, Tea, sitting down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23119492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VaultOfMelkurMistress/pseuds/VaultOfMelkurMistress
Summary: There's one thing we can all agree on, and that's this: Graham needs to finish a good meal. He has a nice sit down and such a great lunch that he doesn't even notice what the two elaborately dressed people are getting up to behind him.It's comedy. It's fun.It's the Graham gets to eat uninterrupted fic, that you didn't know you needed.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 46
Collections: A Mayhem of Masters





	Graham Eats Lunch

An empty cafe in Sheffield, bit unusual for a Saturday afternoon - but then he wondered if it really _was_ a Saturday, the Doc didn’t always get the timing quite right. Still, didn’t matter in the slightest, even if there was some kind of alien invader army teleporting the entire town away, he was taking advantage of this deserted cafe. 

He smiled, a feeling of utter contentment flooding through him at the plates placed on the table, the waitress, not sharing his enthusiasm, merely muttering a quick ‘enjoy your food’ before returning to the woman sitting at the back of the cafe. He gave a quick glance, too focused on his food to notice how out of place the woman seemed in 2020 Sheffield - her Victorian style clothing, a black parasol laying on the table beside her and a rather elaborate hat balanced on the back of a chair. The waitress jotted down a ridiculously extensive cake order for any one person, and shrugged, at least they finally had customers - they had all seemed to suddenly vanish right when the strangely dressed woman had come in.

“Lovely,” Graham said, smiling at the three plates in front of him - sandwiches, a sausage roll and pickles and cheese and big thick slices of bread.

Nothing and no one was getting in the way of his lunch. 

His phone rang. The woman at the back tutted loudly, and when she got no reaction, coughed in an exaggerated fashion, tutting again when he finally glanced over.

“Sorry, best switch it off so we can all enjoy our grub eh?” he said with a smile, picking up a sandwich and taking a bite. “Going to a party?”

The woman steadily glared at him until he eventually felt uncomfortable with the silence and turned back to his food, “nice costume - really authentic. Well...enjoy your cake then. I’m gonna tuck in to all this.”

He shrugged when she merely continued to glare at him and returned to his meal, opening the sandwich and adding pickles before biting in. He sighed and savoured every bite as he looked out of the window, loving the extended peace and quiet, the lack of having to jump up and run somewhere and the quite comfy chair. Yes, this was just the oasis of calm he needed. Too much running around, sandwich in his hand and grabbing bites on the move. He didn't remember the last time he had finished his lunch - Yaz and Ryan never seemed as starving as he did. He could never understand why they didn't need more food in them with all that constant running about they all did. 

He tucked in to the sausage roll next, not even embarrassed by the slight moan of contentment he emitted as he tasted it. This place was good. He decided to ask the Doctor to record the coordinates - same time and place whenever they had down time. Lunch was always the last thing on anyone’s agenda. Half way through the sandwich he paused to contemplate the perfection of the moment as well as the perfect savoury taste of the sausage roll, considering that this was the calmest and maybe even happiest moment he had had in quite some time. 

This. Was the life, he thought, as he picked up his mug, sipping his tea as he surveyed his remaining sandwiches and cheese and onions.

He focused on his choices - cheese as a snack, or add to the sandwich? A low stakes choice that had no impact on the universe or the planet or the general area of Sheffield at all - bliss! He was so focused on his happy dilemma that he didn’t even notice the man who walked..or rather, breezed, into the cafe, his elaborate robe swishing about him as he made a full turn, grinning at the woman as he pulled out the chair in front of her and slid gracefully into the seat, his robe fanning out around him as he took her hand elegantly, placing a kiss.

He made his decision - he was adding the cheese AND the pickles, really load that doorstep sandwich up. He picked it up in both hands and grinned as he took a big bite. He didn’t notice as he absently looked out of the window at the passing cars on the road outside, how the woman mirrored the man's action, taking his hand and also placing a kiss. Neither did he notice, as he added cream to his tea, the way they leaned in close, almost squashing the cake selection in front of her, muttering compliments - his hand stroking her hair in fascination and her hand caressing his cheek. 

Graham didn’t see any of this at all, because Graham’s eyes were closed to the perfect crunching sound the lettuce and pickles made as he took another big bite. Oh _yes_ , this was the perfect lunch. The ham was thickly sliced and crumbed, the onion cut in rounds, and a small pot of pickled onions too. He was having those next. He was not neglecting those perfect sweet Silverskin onions, no chance. 

Abruptly, the man in the elaborate red robe with what looked like a highly impractical collar, made a grab for the largest cake, a big chocolate slice with a ridiculous amount of frosting, causing the woman to gasp in offence, reaching out and grabbing some kind of device from a holster on his hip, jumping up onto her chair, holding it in the air as high as she could and waving it teasingly, demanding her cake immediately returned. 

The man gave her a look of utter indignation, making a grab for the device just as she picked up her umbrella, stretching her arm out as if she were about to dance, getting the perfect angle for the length of the umbrella as she watched him with a challenging glint in her eye, telling him she would turn it to dust if he didn’t return her cake _right_ now.

He took a bite. Then another, then stuffed the entire cake into his mouth just to spite her. 

Graham put the sandwich down, adding some of the pickled onions to it before taking hold of it with a grin. NOW this was the best sandwich ever. No interruptions, no drama, just him and his lunch. He had forgotten just how great a peaceful break could be. 

The man managed somehow to swallow all of the cake and slowly licked his fingers one at a time, provoking her and laughing at her attempt to threaten him with a mere sonic device. 

She tapped the top of the umbrella once - and smiled as the beam vaporised his device. 

He stared at her. She stared down from her podium of victory on the chair. Graham spooned the remaining pickle on the crusts, slowly taking bites, his eyes closed as he enjoyed every moment. 

The moment was so perfect that Graham didn't notice the chaotic flurry of red and purple behind him, the man detailing how delicious the cake that could have been hers was - the woman launching herself from the chair onto him. Two immaculately dressed people grabbing each other, smearing cake over each other's clothes, in their hair, faces, both holding a firm grasp of the other as they spun around, each trying to push the other against the wall. 

She took a grasp of his collar on each side and launched her body at him. Momentarily disadvantaged by his own clothing, he found himself thrown back against the wall as she laughed and laughed. And laughed.

 _And laughed_. While he _scowled_ , indignant. Quite attractive indignance. Even covered in cake - _very attractive_ indignance. 

Their cake covered mouths crashed together, mouths colliding and hands everywhere, the woman pulling him forwards as she laid back on the table, dragging him down on top of her as they kissed deeply and very, very eagerly. 

The waitress walked back in, glancing in disgust at the two people laying on the table making out quite heatedly, as salt and pepper pots crashed to the ground and sugar sachets scattered. She opened her mouth to speak then shook her head, deciding to give the one harmless customer she had, the cake he had ordered for dessert. 

Graham smiled, thanking her for the delicious meal as she collected his empty plates and replaced them with a slice of carrot cake and a dessert spoon. He sat back and frowned at his phone, the now silent message notification flashing up. With a laugh he picked up his phone, took a picture of his cake and sent it to Ryan:

‘Nice quiet ploughman's lunch, then cake.’

Ryan sent a photo of the Doctor covered in pink slime. Graham chuckled as he began to eat his cake. It was an amazing cake - perfectly soft filling, moist cake and whipped frosting with slivers of crisp icing that cracked as he bit into them. He took another bite and and sat back, realising he hadn't felt this relaxed in a very long time. 

The waitress meanwhile, threatened to call the police and when finding herself ignored, made the fatal mistake of grabbing the woman’s umbrella. The heated and passionate couple did not pause for a moment, as the woman reached up to pull a hair pin from her cake filled hair, her mouth not leaving his for a second as she aimed with perfect precision without even glancing.

The waitress shrunk to the size of a doll.

“Lovely cake!” Graham said, not glancing behind him. “I’d have another slice if I wasn't too full from all this great food. Struggling to finish this one.”

The man flung his robe off - the woman warned him with a tone that suggested he would end up in the same state as his device unless he was careful with her buttons. Clothes shedded fast as they smiled in delight at each other, their hands now caressing fondly and lovingly, in the greatest of appreciation. 

Graham finished his cake and drank the last drops of his tea, sighing in satisfaction as he felt full, his appetite sated and no world ending danger in sight for once. Eventually he stood, turning and walking to the counter - a 20 pound note in his hand. He froze, staring at the two people smeared in cake, both in states of undress as the man laid on top of her and she held him in quite firmly in place there. They didn't even notice him, so lost in themselves and so very... _very_ appreciative of themselves. 

“I’ll..um...just leave this here then,” he said, putting the twenty down on the counter. “You can keep the change!”

He walked out, glancing one more time in disbelief at the scene behind him of total wreckage - condiments and spilt sugar, squashed cake and two people very, _very into each other_. Shaking his head, he put it out of his mind as he walked out and strolled up the road, hands in his pockets and a feeling of utter tranquillity despite the way the TARDIS materialised abruptly in front of him and the doors flung open, the Doctor poking her head out to him with urgency.

“Nice Lunch? Have to dash, think I have a fix on the Master, have to check it out... _again_. I know. Doing that a lot. I have...reasons. Many...good reasons, Ready?” the Doctor said. 

“Great bit of lunch, nice sit down, no Master in sight. Enjoyed the afternoon off, but back to it then Doc.”

The TARDIS dematerialised, leaving only the sound of passing cars accompanying the smashing of plates and furniture in the cafe as the two Masters ended up on the floor, Missy switching places and slamming him down as she draped herself across him, her arm outstretched, hairpin aimed and poised to shrink whenever the bell above the door warned of interruptions. 

  
  
  



End file.
